Natalie Van Note – LPC, CFI, IMBA
High Conflict Divorce Coach
MY STORY
NATALIE VAN NOTE
If you are in a high conflict divorce, work with me. I am a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) with an IMBA, and I’ve also spent 20 years in the Family Law field as a CFI, Mediator, Parenting Coordinator, Parental Supervision Time, and consultant on cases.
When I switched from international business to family law and counseling, it was because I knew that my real passion existed in meeting with families in crisis and determining protocol to aid judges in determining the best outcomes for children after divorce. In the process, I was able to work with my specialty in terms of clientele: couples in which one person has narcissism and/or borderline personality disorder.
Slowly but surely, I became known in the community by attorneys, therapists, and judges for my innate ability to unbiasedly determine the real best interests of children in high conflict divorces where personality disorders of the parent(s) were involved. I possess an in-depth knowledge of these disorders as well as the intricacies of family law.
I am passionate about teaching clients who feel overwhelmed that there really is a way out of misery, a solution to their problems, and that it is not a hopeless situation. To that end, I bring the qualities of hope, wisdom, patience, understanding, and strategy to my clients through HCDC.
WHY YOU SHOULD
WORK WITH A HIGH CONFLICT DIVORCE COACH
After investigating countless divorce cases and testifying in court defending my results, it became clear that most divorce clients act on impulse, not information when they first decide to divorce. Eventually, people who knew I work with divorce started asking me how to prepare for the steps of divorce.
I believe in using my proactive nature to prevent unnecessary chaos.
I wholeheartedly believe, “Sometimes when things are falling apart, they may actually be falling into place.”
I shut down the manipulation and chaos that emotionally escalates high conflict divorce negotiations.
What equips me to help you? Over 20 years of experience working both as a high-risk personality disorder counselor and in family law, which allows me to use my unique expertise to solve your problems.
I believe that by using everything I know to help people in crisis during divorce, they can reach peace, even in a contentious divorce. That mix has uniquely prepared me to handle the most difficult of cases.
I am accustomed to working in highly sensitive, difficult situations in which the goal is to find compromise and equitability. That experience has uniquely prepared me to handle the most difficult of cases.
My goal is to change the win-lose mentality of high-conflict to win-win through the use of behavioral techniques.
I help by serving as a catalyst of change in the lives of those going through seemingly impossible divorces.
I utilize my unique background in behavioral divorce therapy and family law (CFI, mediation, parenting supervison, etc.) and tangible skills to bring clients out of “fight” mode to “win-win” mode. Specifically, I listen to what each party NEEDS vs. WANTS and that helps the clients and attorneys learn to communicate on the same page without antagonism.
Why I chose to be a High Conflict Divorce Coach
People often ask me “why” I choose to work with people who have grown to despise each other. My “why” is: A wise person once told me that “you cannot ‘hate’ someone unless you once loved them.” I wasn’t sure what that meant or if it was true until I started working with high conflict divorce. I decided to ask clients if they always felt ill will toward their Ex. I found that the couples I helped all loved each other at one time, and sometimes reminding them of that is the beginning of meaningful outcomes. I have been passionate about my commitment to help families to remove high-conflict drama before it can ruin a family.
My Approach
There are many types of coaches a person can utilize in life – health, fitness, finances, career, and even divorce coaches, to name a few. However, I am a different kind of helper: a High Conflict Divorce Coach (HCDC). I use different skills and emphasize different outcomes than a divorce coach during our time working together.
First, I am much more proactive than reactive, given the chaotic nature of this kind of divorce. Most of these cases deal with a narcissistic party or borderline personality disorder (BPD.) Second, part of my role is to show you and then teach you how to stay five steps ahead of your Ex at all times. Third, I am a behaviorist and impart a radically new way of behaving that will forever change the way you interact with your ex-spouse.
Creating Peace and Harmony
Win-Lose to Win-Win
My goal is to change the win-lose mentality of high-conflict to win-win through the use of behavioral techniques.
I utilize some helpful conflict negotiation skills, validation, and other evidence-based therapy modalities to help parties understand how they really CAN both get what they want if they can use different tools to interact with one another.
Be proactive, not reactive
This may sound like a no-brainer, but I have yet to meet a calm, proactive, and amicable client during his/her divorce toward the people involved – the Ex, the kids, etc. Learning to be proactive does not imply being sneaky or lying. It simply means planning one’s approach to the whole process with me, anticipating fires and roadblocks, and allowing me to coach you regarding what needs to be done.
I know with little doubt what path a narcissist or BPD will react to and how, and I also know, after working with this population for decades, how to prevent their behaviors from affecting you. That, in essence, is being proactive. Prevent the fire from starting in the first place.
Stay five steps ahead of the Ex
If you have ever played chess, checkers, or any game involving strategy, you will realize that in a high conflict divorce, your Ex always seems to bring up things out of nowhere just when the dust settles from the last “fight.” This is part of their way of dealing with life (from the “emotionally deregulated” zone), and they THRIVE on that sense of chaos.
That is where I step in and employ effective strategies that other people have not been able to give to my clients. Wouldn’t you like to have everyday skills to help you know what to say and do to avoid chaos with your Ex? My methods tend to lead to practical outcomes, not another motion in court or “he-said, she-said” drama.
“It’s all in the backswing”
Stated briefly, I have to “un-do” everything you think you know about communication. I will analyze everything you think, say, and do (the behavioral part). From there, I look at what has worked in terms of communication and/or co-parenting and, more often, what has not worked.
Just like in golf, if you have a great golf game, but you go to a pro for lessons and are told you could improve your game just by changing your back swing, that gives you an idea of how I intervene. Where you are strong, we capitalize on strengths. Where you fall into verbal or behavioral “traps,” I teach you tangible skills to think and act completely differently. These skills are what get you out of a “high conflict” zone.